Home » The Crystal Hall » Fan Fiction Discussion » Eleven
| Eleven [message #13707] |
Sun, 03 August 2008 13:06  |
 gamlain
Messages: 49
Registered: July 2008 |
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So, am I a complete hack?
Any and all comments welcome 
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| Re: Eleven [message #13718 is a reply to message #13707 ] |
Sun, 03 August 2008 17:27  |
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Bookworm
Messages: 1576
Registered: July 2008
Location: Houston |
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I enjoyed reading it as well. It looks like a good concept, but it does suffer a bit from lack of flow in the conversations (mental/physical).
Also, 'Walker, Texas Ranger', is awfully punnish. (And speaking as a native Houstonian, painful to read )
As constructive criticism, however, I can say that I did see some 'whoops' that slipped by spellcheck. Breaks instead of brakes, and in the third to last sentence (I believe) you have ranger pluralized.
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| Re: Eleven [message #13724 is a reply to message #13707 ] |
Sun, 03 August 2008 18:20 |
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Bookworm
Messages: 1576
Registered: July 2008
Location: Houston |
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Well, if Coyote is involved (As with Heyoka), then it isn't 'esper' as such. It would be akin to avatar, but without necessarily having the _entire_ spirit in you. Instead, you're pulling in memories and skill sets of people who have 'left them behind' in the astral plane.
Mind you, it appears that she _is_ an avatar of sorts, because of the way the various scenes have been written. Perhaps an avatar akin to the Erik Mahan 'Caitlin' avatar.
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| Re: Eleven [message #13734 is a reply to message #13707 ] |
Sun, 03 August 2008 21:30 |
gamlain
Messages: 49
Registered: July 2008 |
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Sorry about the pun, Bookworm, but I couldn't resist.
On the subject of Avatars, it will become more clear in the second story I'm working on now that Shawn isn't. Her power set is actually rather unique, or at least I think so.
Yes, she has had personal encounters with Coyote, but he doesn't empower her. It should also be noted that, while he certainly appears to probably be the Native American spirit of that name, Shawn is hardly an expert on southwestern great spirits.
Earl Walker given his experience out there may be and seems to agree that there's a good possibility that it's true - but precognition or no, he's far from infailable.
As far as Coyote himself - there are plenty of reasons a great spirit might decide to check out a newly manifested mutant in his personal back yard.
Of course, when that spirit is Coyote, most of them are probably trouble.
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| Re: Eleven [message #13736 is a reply to message #13734 ] |
Sun, 03 August 2008 21:55 |
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Bookworm
Messages: 1576
Registered: July 2008
Location: Houston |
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| gamlain wrote on Sun, 03 August 2008 20:30 |
As far as Coyote himself - there are plenty of reasons a great spirit might decide to check out a newly manifested mutant in his personal back yard.
Of course, when that spirit is Coyote, most of them are probably trouble.
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Nah. It's more like Loki, but less malicious. Coyote, or Trickster, is simply amoral, and out for entertainment. The stories I remember have Coyote less likely to actually want to hurt anyone - humiliation, certainly, but not injury.
*hmmm*
If Loki has already visited the Whateley Academy, what would happen if Coyote and Loki went .. "head to head", as it were? My guess is that Loki would end up the 'loser', made to chase his own tail. (Since Coyote wouldn't care so much about winning or losing as being entertained. )
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| Re: Eleven [message #13755 is a reply to message #13718 ] |
Mon, 04 August 2008 02:53 |
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Abbacor
Messages: 185
Registered: April 2008
Location: Texas |
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| tensai wrote on Sun, 03 August 2008 16:06 |
Yeah, the 'dream-experience' thing had me confused for a bit, but I still think it works into the whole Trickster mythos. Similar to the whole Prometheus breaking law to bring fire/defend the mortals.
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IMO, 'Shawnie' is not a trickster. She's a warrior. Coyote called her "Cougar Girl" twice. Taking what I caught in the story and applying my own background knowledge, I'm guessing that she's a Whateley-ized version of a Pumonca. It seems to fit, at least to me.
| Bookworm wrote on Sun, 03 August 2008 16:27 |
Also, 'Walker, Texas Ranger', is awfully punnish. (And speaking as a native Houstonian, painful to read )
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Plus, the one in this story is WAY too tall to go with that name. 
[Updated on: Mon, 04 August 2008 03:04]
Misty : “It’s not going to be like this every day, is it?”
“Lord, no,” Jadis replied. “Sometimes, it gets weird.”
Hank Declan shook his head, disbelieving. "Tell me I did not just see them roshambo for victory."
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| Re: Eleven [message #13766 is a reply to message #13755 ] |
Mon, 04 August 2008 17:10 |
gamlain
Messages: 49
Registered: July 2008 |
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| Abbacor wrote on Mon, 04 August 2008 02:53 |
IMO, 'Shawnie' is not a trickster. She's a warrior. Coyote called her "Cougar Girl" twice. Taking what I caught in the story and applying my own background knowledge, I'm guessing that she's a Whateley-ized version of a Pumonca. It seems to fit, at least to me.
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Having done a quick bit of research on them - that is a reasonable good fit. Not quite exact, but then, I'd no exposure to this particular breed of were beast before.
Of course, one thing Shawn is not is any sort of shape shifter, and there is a rather major thing she has that they don't, but the attitude fits very well.
Gamlain, still lost
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| Re: Eleven [message #13775 is a reply to message #13766 ] |
Mon, 04 August 2008 22:06 |
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Abbacor
Messages: 185
Registered: April 2008
Location: Texas |
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| gamlain wrote on Mon, 04 August 2008 16:10 |
| Abbacor wrote on Mon, 04 August 2008 02:53 |
IMO, 'Shawnie' is not a trickster. She's a warrior. Coyote called her "Cougar Girl" twice. Taking what I caught in the story and applying my own background knowledge, I'm guessing that she's a Whateley-ized version of a Pumonca. It seems to fit, at least to me.
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Having done a quick bit of research on them - that is a reasonable good fit. Not quite exact, but then, I'd no exposure to this particular breed of were beast before.
Of course, one thing Shawn is not is any sort of shape shifter, and there is a rather major thing she has that they don't, but the attitude fits very well.
Gamlain, still lost
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You are correct, and of course it's your character/story  . I found the basic attitude to fit right in with that were-type. They even have a shamanistic bend to them too, which also fit right in with Coyote sticking his nose in.
So I take it from your comment that you've not done any White Wolf® gaming using the Bastet/Changing Breed sub-set from Werewolf:The Apocalypse©?
<edit>
P.S. - You've titled this "Eleven", but there is only ten replies (chapters) to the story so far. What's up with that? heheh 
[Updated on: Mon, 04 August 2008 22:25]
Misty : “It’s not going to be like this every day, is it?”
“Lord, no,” Jadis replied. “Sometimes, it gets weird.”
Hank Declan shook his head, disbelieving. "Tell me I did not just see them roshambo for victory."
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| Re: Eleven [message #13776 is a reply to message #13775 ] |
Mon, 04 August 2008 23:31 |
gamlain
Messages: 49
Registered: July 2008 |
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| Abbacor wrote on Mon, 04 August 2008 22:06 |
So I take it from your comment that you've not done any White Wolf® gaming using the Bastet/Changing Breed sub-set from Werewolf:The Apocalypse©?
<edit>
P.S. - You've titled this "Eleven", but there is only ten replies (chapters) to the story so far. What's up with that? heheh
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Well, I've done some, but my main Were gaming was done with a Mokole.
It's fun to see the look on vampire's faces when your were form is a five ton crossbreed of six different dinasaurs.
That's been a while, though.
As to 'eleven' - The first post counts too. 1 post, 10 replies, 11 sections. n.n
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| Re: Eleven [message #13779 is a reply to message #13775 ] |
Tue, 05 August 2008 03:50 |
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Bookworm
Messages: 1576
Registered: July 2008
Location: Houston |
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| Abbacor wrote on Mon, 04 August 2008 21:06 |
P.S. - You've titled this "Eleven", but there is only ten replies (chapters) to the story so far. What's up with that? heheh
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Actually, I figured it was this.
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"If you've got the strength of ten men." Shawn rasped at her shocked and stunned adversary, even as she tried to plug one of the bleeding holes in her front with her off hand. "I go to eleven."
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| Re: Eleven [message #13783 is a reply to message #13779 ] |
Tue, 05 August 2008 17:00 |
gamlain
Messages: 49
Registered: July 2008 |
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| Bookworm wrote on Tue, 05 August 2008 03:50 |
| Abbacor wrote on Mon, 04 August 2008 21:06 |
P.S. - You've titled this "Eleven", but there is only ten replies (chapters) to the story so far. What's up with that? heheh
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Actually, I figured it was this.
| Quote: |
"If you've got the strength of ten men." Shawn rasped at her shocked and stunned adversary, even as she tried to plug one of the bleeding holes in her front with her off hand. "I go to eleven."
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Why yes, that too. ^^
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